A Letter to Google

Dear Google,

When you get the time could you get around to finishing the Matrix. It seems to me that it’d be a hit with the people today. I mean, everyone just seems to want to always be elsewhere but here. I can tell, because they can’t put their fucking phones away for more than 3 minutes. Since they want to spend so much time in the digital world – let’s just give it to them.

Whether when it’s eating some food, going to a concert, or at home with their cat, people just cannot seem to be able to get themselves away from the digital world of make believe. So, the sooner you guys get the Matrix up and running the better, cause then the real world will just be left to those us who are content to just eat a meal, go to a concert, and sit at home with our cats, without having to tell everyone about it. For the record dickheads, your photos are fucking shit even with Instagram filters, and your mindless Facebook updates are as shallow as the Aral Sea.


I’ve already figured out the business model for you Google, so the whole thing will be very lucrative for you. You know, since the General Data Protection Regulation came into force, companies like you have not been having a good time. But the Matrix solves all this. You can just get their explicit consent as they enter the Matrix, and use these little consumption machines as test subject for as much advertising as you want. Ads all day, every day.

You guys will be the CNN of advertising, 24/7, vacuous, but targeted.

And as we all know, all corporations have a bad side, and the Matrix covers this too – while people are in the Matrix you can harvest their organs without them knowing. In fact, you could even team up with the pharmaceutical industry and use them as test subjects for new medicines and cosmetics. Then we won’t have to use animals anymore. That’ll keep Greenpeace happy. Boom! Killing two birds with one stone (except we won’t have to kill birds anymore)

But hey, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way. I actually love you Google, cause you are intuitive to use, and when used correctly you’re a powerful tool. And perhaps I’m roping you in with other companies unfairly. But you are the only one I could trust to create the Matrix. Please Google, you’re my only hope.

My real bone to pick is with the degenerates who can’t put their fucking phones away. I just want to be able to see my favourite bands without a ocean of cameras taking photos and videos. So please, Google, invest all your money in creating the Matrix. Do this for me, and I’ll consider paying for your Youtube premium service (seriously who is paying for that, lol)

In closing, Google, I just want to say, you’re great, and please just give these people what they want. A place where they can be everywhere but here, and they can share things as much as they want with one another. In the Matrix they won’t even need phones, they could just plug into the hive mind together.


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