Loosen Your Butthole This Christmas

**Strap yourself in cause this one could be… visceral**

Here is what makes me a rage this Christmas – Consumer rape. That’s the phrase I’m going with, I’m still working on a better phrase. Anyone got any suggestions? You just let me know. Consumer rape is the process of fucking every last cent of disposable income from you during the holiday season everywhere you turn.

This is nothing new, but fuck me, now that I have some proper disposable income its quite apparent how much companies are fucking you for cash. Before, you noticed it, but you were so fucking poor as a student that you couldn’t buy anything. Fuck, you get a job, you get some income, but no one told me about the rampant consumer rape – the middle class fucking sucks.

I’m sitting in an airport right now writing this and the hipster burger place opposite me is trying to charge €26 for a goddamn burger, and the sushi behind wants €18 for six pieces. That’s some expensive fucking rice. But I’m fucking hungry, I’m nursing a hangover (not my worst, but still) so I go ahead and proceed to try order. And this is where shit takes a quick turnabout.

To my great surprise companies will now offer, free of charge for your kind patronage, to shove their clenched fist up your ass. It’s a part of a new ‘visceral experience’ they are trialling. It seems to be catching on the because the queues are rather long. Studies show that consumers are reacting positively to the new service,

researchers claim that consumers prefer to have their asshole ripped when they are being price gouged.

But it doesn’t stop there. For the sentimental types, some businesses will offer to spit on their fist before insertion just to ease it on up there. Want a more ‘intimate’ experience? For an extra 50c, the service=worker will whisper “you’re special” in your ear as they reach up to grip your colon.

But honestly, I don’t even blame these companies. They are doing exactly what any other profit-driven company would do and exploit the context and situation to their advantage. Which begs the question: are these businesses just giving us what we want?

And don’t worry, these businesses are environmentally friendly. With each purchase these guys plant trees and donate to causes cleaning waterways. So don’t you worry, you love the environment, and we love selling to you shit on that basis. Now we have environmentally friendly consumer rape!

After this arduous and traumatising ordeal here I am sitting in a fucking airport having just been raped wondering where my dignity has gone and with a wrenching feeling in my stomach. Oh wait, fuck that’s right, I’m still hungry… Better pucker my asshole for another round, think I’ll need some special K to forget this experience.